Nalu Pumehana
by mustachey5
Summary: Series of one shots based on songs (Re-post with new chapters) that follow the break down of Steve and Kono's relationship and how they cope (follows through season 2 and onward.)
1. Chapter 1

_Je t'ai vu d'un oeil solitaire (I saw you out of a single eye)  
Le pied dans l'arène pour te plaire (A foot in the ring to please you)_

_Et briller aux regards que j'ignorais (And to shine under gazes I ignored)_

_Le tien comptait plus que les autres (Yours was worth more than the others')  
Même si tu ne t'en rendais pas compte (Even if you didn't realize it)  
Et j'aurais tout fait pour connaître tes fins (And I would have done anything to know your intentions)_

_._

_._

When her cousin first introduced her to Leiutenant Commander Steve McGarrett, she had been ecstatic at the opportunity to work on an elite taskforce. Now however, that excitement had worn off. She loved her job, don't get her wrong. But you see she had a tiny little problem, well not tiny, more like 6ft problem and it went by the name of Steven McGarrett.

Kono was fresh out of the academy and she knew that as the rookie and the potential weakness of the team that she had to prove herself. She went above and beyond in her attempts to confirm that she deserved her place on this team. And that was how she found herself strapped to a chair with a gun pointed in her face. Of course Commander McGarrett had to launch the rescue to save the damsel in distress. Kono was annoyed at herself, she should have seen it coming, of course Natalie worked for the serbs. But she hadn' t seen it, she had completely missed it and had gotten herself held hostage. Oh and to top it all off she had missed her graduation. All in all a crappy day.

So how was Steve a problem? Kono couldn't focus. The man clearly had some allergic reaction to cotton because he was forever taking his clothes off and as an ex Navy SEAL had the body of a greek god underneath. As if that wasn't enough, there were touches, fleeting but there. Constant teasing and banter. Smile's that were a little too keen. Hugs that lasted a little too long. He was her boss and he was off limits, she knew, but she couldn't ignore the way they seemed to click, always understanding the other. As if that wasn't enough she couldn't help but notice the electric atmosphere when they were alone together. The urge to close the gap between them when he stood just that little bit to close to her when she was talking to him. There was something there she was sure he felt it to, but there was always a hint of something in his eye or voice, something Kono couldn't put her finger on. Did he feel it too? Or was this just a game to him?

* * *

_On s'est finalement embrassés (We finally kissed each other)_

_Des mois sans silence, sans parler (Months without silence, without speaking)  
Dans l'attente qui, de loin, m'a déchirée (In the wait that, by far, tore me apart)_

_Et j'aurais aimé être ces filles (And I would have loved being one of those girls)  
Qui, dans tes chansons, reprennent vie (Who, in your songs, come to life)  
Même si, de loin, je sais qu'on s'est menti (Even though, by far, I know we lied to each other)_

_._

_._

They lay side by side, chest heaving as they tried to recover their breath. Kono froze as it finally hit her- she'd just slept with her boss. Her one absolute no no in life, don't sleep with a colleague. Well oops. Kono shifted, pushing the cool sheet off of her sweat slicked skin and began pulling her previously discarded clothing back on.

"Kono?" Steve pushed himself up to rest on his elbows as he watched her frantic redressing

"I should go.." she mumbled, not looking at him. Knowing one glance at him and she would all to easily jump back into bed with him.

"Kono, wait.." he began pushing the covers away and moving towards her, spinning her to face him.

"We.. " she sighed, pulling her top over her head.

"You're my boss Steve, I... we can't, okay, we just can't." She finished, deliberatley avoiding looking anywhere other than his face, trying to ignore the fact he was completely naked.

"Says who? Kono, come in we've been dancing round each other since we first met and don't try to deny it. " he reasoned.

"Steve..." her resolve weakening. Who could resist the eye lashes and puppy dog eyes? Not Kono.

"Go on then, tell me there is nothing between us. You can feel it too, I know you can." He continued, searching her eyes.

"I..." she stuttered

"Give it a chance. Give us a chance, this is more than sexual tension Kono, you know it. Just take a chance, see where it goes." He stepped closer to her, pulling the jeans she was holding in front of her out of her grip and throwing them to the side.

"You want to, you know it." He whispered as he closed in , wrapping his arms around her as he kisses her, leaving her now way to escape. The warmth of his mouth and gentle carress of his hands on her back, pressing her firmly against him, broke the last of her resolve as she melted into the passionate kiss.

For two months they kept it going. Completely secret. Sometimes it was a simple quickie in the office , or a couple of times in the supply closet-oh the cliché. Those times there were no words. No gentle touches, no sweet kisses. Just a quick release of pent up tension before Danny and Chin got back. But other times, after a long case that they had struggled with, one would turn up at the other's door. They would take time, it wasn't as rough, it was like a gentle dance, whispering sweet nothings to each other. And sometimes they would simply sit, sit and talk about whatever had been plaguing their mind. He opened up to her, he said he cared for her - okay it wasn't "I love you" but for Steven McGarrett to utter those words, a miracle would be required. Two months it lasted, two months of Kono slowly letting her guard down to this dangerous yet so exciting man, two months of believeing his words- that there was more to their relationship- that they had a future, two months of Kono slowly but surely falling in love with the one man she vowed she wouldn't. Two months. And then of course Steve had to get arrested for double homocide and Kono was suspended. They say nothing good ever lasts.

Her suspension was nearly the death of her. She watched the news every night, waiting to hear about Steve's trial and was finally rewarded with the news that he had been cleared. She contemplated calling but decided against it. Giving him some space to recover from his past week. She waited three days and heard nothing, no texts, no calls no visits. Eventually she caved, calling him, but every call rang till answer phone. She couldn't help but begin to doubt all that he'd told her, all that he promised her. He promised to be there, that he cared for her more than he had ever cared for a woman. And where was he now? Maybe they had got caught up in the passion believing there to be more- had they been so blinded and decieved themselves?

* * *

_J'ai voulu tout laisser tomber (I wanted to let everything go)_

_Pour ne pas être ombre du passé (To not be a shadow of the past)  
Et retrouver tes rires et tes secrets (And to find your laughter and secrets again)_

_Mais quand je l'ai vue près de toi (But when I saw her next to you)  
Celle qui en chanson reprend vie (The one who comes to life in song)  
Je sais maintenant que tu m'avais menti (I know now you're the one who lied to me)_

_._

_._

Her return was far from smooth. After being arrested and marched into a 5-0 holding cell, Fryer had finally shown up and explained the situation to a somewhat pissed of Steve. She didn't miss the flash of guilt in his eyes when he realised she had done it to protect the team. To protect him. Her weeks of brooding over his absence had left a bitter taste in her mouth. But old habits die hard and one smile from him and the bitterness was gone, replaced with the all to familiar butterflies that got a little excited when he smiled.

So she did the mature thing and put it behind her. She forgot they way they had abandoned her, they way they had replaced her because it didn't matter anymore. She was back and that was all that mattered. She had longed for this day, to return to the easiness they had before it all fell apart, to continue the smiles and teasing the subtle touches and flirting. ' How naïve' she thought. Because of course there was a reason she had her rule of not sleeping with her boss, there was a reason she had questioned his motives in the beginning. She saw the looks between him and the new girl, the 'subtle' touches and obviously ruffled appearance they had after returning from 'restocking the supply closet'. She wondered if this was his game all along, what he did with all his female subordinates. She struggled to swallow the bitter taste of feeling completely used, what use was it to say anything? She would only appear petty and jealous. She had genuinely believed his whispered words of love and that hurt the most, that she'd been naïve enough to believe his lies, to believe he actually wanted her. A part of her couldn't help but wonder if that was the reason he'd hired her to begin with.

She sighed, she had learnt her lesson , all be it the hard way, but she wouldn't make it again.


	2. Chapter 2

'O Ku'u Aloha No 'Oe (You are indeed my love)

.

.

_Versteck mich wo du mich nicht findest,_

_Damit auch du mich mal vermisst._  
_Hab mich seit Wochen nicht gemeldet,_  
_Und frag mich ständig wo du bist._

_(I hide where you won't find me_

_so you miss me once in a while_

_Didn't get in touch with you in weeks,_  
_continuously wondering where you are)_

The connection they had from the moment they met had completely shocked him. Her eagerness to learn, never ending trust, her dimpled smile that never failed to brighten his mood, her kick ass attitude that was just plain hot. He had been completely mesmerized by her, caught up in her enchanting character. To be honest meeting her when she was wearing practically no clothing and was also dripping wet had made it rather hard to ignore her. But that was hardly his fault. He was a guy for goodness sake, not a saint. He swore she did it deliberately, the smiles, the extra sway of her hips when he looked her way, the touches on the arms, shoulder, back. Every touch sent a shiver down his spine, the delicateness of her gentle hand catching him unaware, making him freeze , all thoughts completely falling from his head. She must think he was an idiot sometimes when he suddenly lost the ability to talk when she entered the room. This feeling of being so truly drawn into someone was so new to him, never had he been so engulfed in some, so affected. It scared him.

Finally, he had persuaded her. Well persuaded was probably the wrong word, more like slept with her. And to his surprise, after her initial freak out at the realisation of having just slept with her boss, she stayed. Two months it had lasted, two months of feeling complete, feeling cared for , two months of truly being able to open up to another person. Two months. He was never any good at long term relationships. Two months, and then he was arrested. Thank fully he was only in prison for a week, but it was long enough for it to all fall apart. Long enough for Kono to get suspended due to his actions. She didn't call for a week, she must have known he was free, but she never called. Two weeks, the longest time they'd ever spent apart. Two weeks of silence. Two weeks of laying awake at all hours running through all that had happened.

At the beginning of the third week she called, the long awaited communication that he had been desperate for. Only it was too late. The space apart had allowed him to finally gather his thoughts, to realise how much he had let his guard down, not only around her, but because of her. How vulnerable he had made himself but also those around him by not being one hundred percent focused, allowing those dark shadows in his past to sneak up on him.

He couldn't let her back in. His past had caught up with him before and those around him were the ones that suffered. He couldn't let it happen again, not to her, not to his Kono. She disarmed him, in a way no one else could, and it was dangerous. He had to forget her, for her own sake, for her protection. So she didn't get pulled into the mess of his life, so she didn't get hurt, by him and all the horrors connected to him. But part of him began to wander if it was a little to late for that.

* * *

_Ich zeig dir, dass ich dich nicht brauche,_

_Und dass ich gehen kann wann ich will._  
_Weißt du eigentlich wie viel ich rauche, seitdem du weg bist?_  
_Und wenn du fragst, dann bin ich still._

_(I show you I don't need you_

_and I can leave whenever I want_  
_You know how much I smoke_  
_since you're gone ?_  
_and when you ask me, I am silent)_

Her return was far from smooth. She had been undercover and she hadn't told him? So much for Ohana. Only he knew it wasn't her fault. It was his, he had shut her out, for a good reason- or so he kept trying to will himself to believe. It was him that had turned his back on her, giving her no one to go to. He never meant to hurt her, he was doing this to stop her hurting, but as ever all his carefully laid plans seemed to completely backfire.

"I couldn't ask for better back up" Her attempt at comforting words, her offer of forgiveness, the glint in her warm brown eyes that he'd so missed nearly had him giving in. And then she smiled, that small half smile, that still managed to light up her face, to highlight the beautiful dimples in either cheek. And he remembered why he was doing this, why he had to push her away despite his longing to do nothing but pull her into his arms and never let her go. He couldn't give her the happiness, the safety she needed and deserved.

He needed a distraction, something to pull him out of the hold that she had on him. Lori. The new girl, the bubbly blonde from the mainland, who was unfortunately a little to like his partner to ever be his type. She was so unlike Kono, blonde curls instead of the straight dark hair, pale flesh instead of the natural sun kissed tan. Clear blue eyes, a reflection of his own instead of the deep brown gaze that he was so used to, that he so longed for. Her personality was so different to. Yes, they could both kick some pretty major ass, but Lori could never hold a candle to Kono. She was far to submissive, she couldn't be pushed around but she lacked the fiery streak in Kono that had at points scared the hell out of him. Kono was the untameable fire, the wild card- so much like himself. He cared for Lori, they became close and she was a good friend, a brilliant agent and an amazing woman, but she had one flaw. She wasn't Kono. But this wasn't about type, it wasn't a relationship, and she had made that point clear to him as much as he had to her so he wasn't complaining. He knew he was using her, and she deserved better, no woman deserved to be used, he had been raised to treat a woman better than that but he knew if he stopped then he would all to easily be drawn back to Kono.

They tried to hide it at work and Chin and Danny seemed oblivious. Not Kono. He caught the heart broken look on her face every time they walked in together after "restocking the supply closet"- or something along those lines, the lie changed every time, but she saw straight through it. Of course she did, but he could hardly turn round and ask her to hold the fort whilst he went to screw away his longing for her with the new girl. He couldn't even look her in the eye, knowing how much pain he was causing her. He had failed again, he was doing precisely what he set out to prevent.

* * *

_Ich will nur dass du weißt, ich hab dich immer noch lieb._  
_Und dass es am Ende auch keine andere gibt,_  
_Die mich so vollendet,_  
_Die mich so bewegt._

_(I just want you to know I still love you_

_and there's no one else down the road_  
_who completes like you do_  
_who affects me like you do)_

Night after night he lay awake. Alone in his empty house. And all he could think of was her. No amount of messing around with Lori, no amount of alcohol or exercise could distract him. Nothing could tear his thoughts away form the Hawaiian beauty that had once occupied the empty side of the bed beside him. And every night he regretted his decision, telling himself that he would call her and explain, but he knew he was being selfish and knew he never would call her because he was afraid he had pushed her to far. And with every day that passed that fear only grew, the fear that she would move on, push him away and forget him the way he tried to pretend he had. Why shouldn't she? He didn't own her, no matter how much he wished he did, he had no claim to her love anymore and he doubted she'd ever be able to forgive him enough to trust him with her heart again.

_"Steve?" Kono's voice brought him out of his sleep_

_"Kono?" He sat up quickly, breathing away the memories of the dream. He watched her silently enter his room and move round the bed to sit next to him, placing a warm hand on his sweaty shoulder._

_"Are you okay?" She asked gently as she began to massage the knots out of the tense muscles._

_"I'm fine...What time is it?" He didn't want to burden her with his worries, he exhaled and glanced around searching for the alarm clock._

_"Just after 3 " He turned to look at her, shifting his body so he was facing her._

_"Not that I don't appreciate the visit, but I thought normal people were asleep at this hour?" he teased lightly as he brushed a stray strand of hair off her face, admiring the way the moonlight that streamed through the window fell on her skin._

_"Well, I was feeling a little lonely and couldn't sleep. " She crawled forward depositing herself lightly in his lap and captured his lips in a gentle kiss._

_"A booty call at 3 am?" He smiled at her, pulling back slightly to look in her eyes as he played with the hem of her top._

_"Like you're complaining McGarrett" He simply smirked in response and pulled her down to the bed beside him._

_._

_They lay cuddled up to each other, Kono's hair stuck to her sweaty forehead, holding each other in silence, staring at the plain ceiling above them. Kono shifted and looked at him. He could feel her intense gaze burning his skin and he turned his head to look at her._

_"What?" he asked gently running a hand down her back_

_"What was the dream about earlier?"_

_"I don't know what you mean" He said, attempting to avoid the question_

_"You cried out, I could hear you downstairs, that's why I came up..." He stiffened slightly and she dropped a kiss to his shoulder, encouraging him to relax. She waited, knowing how hard it was for him to open up._

_"My mom, I was there, I tried to help her and to save her, but I..." his voice tailed off and she understood, because she had seen the nightmares before, she knew how much they shook him, how guilty he felt. She waited in silence for him to continue and when he didn't she hugged him closer, hoping to offer him what little strength and reassurance she could. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, breathing in the comforting scent of the ocean that clung to her._

_"I..." he began but she interrupted_

_"Don't you dare apologise to me Steve, we all have our moments of vulnerability, it doesn't make you weak or any less of a man to admit it. Don't apologise..." And he only clung to her tighter, where had she come from? This beautiful woman who understood him so well, who made him feel whole in his fractured world._


	3. Chapter 3

_Dors, le mal est passé et tu entres dans la danse_

_Le pire de côté, ta revende en cadence_  
_Tu sèmes le bonheur à chaque pas que tu fais_  
_Et à ton réveil la vie reprend son train._

_(Sleep, the worst is over and you enter the dance_

_The worst aside, you sell yourself to the rhythm_  
_You sow happiness with every step you make_  
_And when you wake up, life continues)_

_._

_._

She tried to ignore him. To put him out of her mind. To forget the way they seemed to fit so perfectly together. She had to. She could barely focus at work, constantly aware of the flirting and not so secret hook-ups in the supply closet between him and Lori. She couldn't focus for the shroud of jealousy that clouded her vision and brought stinging tears to her eyes. Her and Lori didn't get on. Simple. There was something about her, aside from the whole stealing Steve thing- though she wasn't all that sure Steve wouldn't have found some other girl to break her heart with if Lori hadn't joined the team. No, there was just something about her that she didn't like, she couldn't put her finger on what, but there was something.

She watched them, she saw each dreaded work day as the two grew closer, the flirting more obvious, the shared smiles and 'subtle' touches lasting longer and longer. Unless she was very much mistaken she was watching him fall in love. She saw a gentleness in his way that he had rarely shown to her. He had been gentle and caring to her but nothing like this. She couldn't escape the way he seemed happier, lighter around her. She realised with an all too heavy heart , he doesn't need her to be happy the way that she needs him. He doesn't need her, he doesn't want her and she begins to question if he ever really did.

It hurts, she loved him, she still does, but what does that matter when he doesn't reciprocate the feelings. He's found his love in the pretty, blonde bombshell that she could never be. She stares at her reflection, the tanned skin , instead of her perfect, porcelain like complexion. The straight, dark hair instead of the soft blonde curls. Her plain brown eyes in place of the shimmering blue. She laughs pitifuly at her self that she ever believed she could match Lori's beauty. She wasn't self conscious, not normally. But she couldn't help but feel inferior to the woman who stole the heart she longed for.

* * *

_Dors le mal est passé, il te rattrapera pas_

_Le souffle coupé, tu n'es plus son appât_  
_Ta peine s'est fondue au délire des autres_  
_Qui oublieront bien vite que tu n'es plus des nôtres_

_(Sleep the sorrow has passed, it will not recapture you_  
_Breathless, you are no longer its bait_  
_your sadness is faded with the madness of others_  
_who will forget very quickly that you are not one of us)_

_._

_._

It's weird. That's the only word she can think of to describe it. Weird. It feels as if she is in a little bubble of invisibilty, in a dream like state. After the awkward start to her return she had settled back in, had been welcomed home , or so she thought. To begin with she thought she was imagining it , but as the weeks ticked by it became glaringly obvious. She was being sidelined. She was no longer partnered with Chin, chasing down leads, joining in the raids that gave her such an adrenaline rush. Instead, she ran the tech back at HQ, doing all the searches and checks, manning the computers. Don't get her wrong, she loved the tech side of the job, and she knew she was good at it - she was a techy nerd deep down, blame the X-box addiction for that. But she equally loved going out to chase down the leads she found, instead of being cooped up in the office. She had confronted Steve and asked him when he would let her out in the field and got the now usual response- she was completely blanked. She was over him, she kept telling herself, but it still hurt that he didn't even aknowledge her presence in a room. No greetings, no eye contact, no congragulations or thanks when she found a new lead. It was as if she didn't exist to him and that hurt, a lot. It wasn't just him though, Chin had not mentioned a word about the fact that he was now partnered with Lori instead of her. Danny too, when he was partnered with Chin so Lori and Steve could work together, never even seemed to notice the fact that it was always her staying behind. She tried to ignore it , she was good at running the computers- that must be why he's sidelining her. It's nothing personal. Anyway, Chin and Malia were engaged, she knew his thoughts and troubles were other wise occupied. Danny too, with Rachel and the maybe his, maybe not baby. She got it, she really did, they were wrapped up in their own genuine problems. It's nothing personal she kept telling herself, nothing personal.

Work didn't feel like home, it didn't feel like her 'Ohana. She felt out of place as she listened over the comms as the other four congragulated each other on a successful raid while she stood alone in the office staring at the computer table. Even when they'd gone to rescue Steve from Korea she had been left behind, she had been so terrified and desperate to find him, but as ever there were computers for her to man. She no longer looked forward to getting new cases, too learning, to the laughter in the group. She was no longer included in that, whether it was deliberate or not she wasn't sure. Either way, she was the spare part now. Steve was the leader, Danny and Chin both accomplished Detectives, and Lori, the incredible homeland security agent that could do no wrong. Then there was Kono, the rookie, the newbie even though she'd been out the academy a year. She was still the weak link, always would be, only now there was a replacement. An upgrade. She loved being a cop and she wanted to learn, she loved the team. She really did, even Steve and Lori despite the number the pair had managed to do to her heart. But it wasn't home. Not anymore. She didn't feel that buzz she did with surfing or in the academy or when she first joined the team. She hated it, the feeling of no longer fitting. She didn't want to leave, part of her hoped this was all a dream and she'd wake up, safely snuggled into Steve's side , these past months all just a nightmare. But no matter how many times she pinched herself, she never woke up.

* * *

_Certes tu passe comme de l'air, dans un monde sans musique_

_Dépourvu de tes nuances, un peu trop spécifiques_  
_Tu nages en douleur et il est presque temps_  
_De fermer les yeux, dans la mort qui t'attends_

_(For sure you're gone with the wind, in a world without music_

_Without your shades that are a bit too specific_  
_You swim in pain and it's almost time_  
_to close your eyes in the death that awaits you)_

_._

_._

Lori left. Was it wrong for her to secretly feel so happy? Not that she had anything against Lori... okay that was a lie. She was gone and the team were back to four, and then he left. He left for Japan, leaving nothing but a short note to Danny. That was it. A note. Clearly his communication skills were even more stunted than any of them had previously imagined. And then he was back, 2 weeks later with Wo Fat in tow as his only explanation. The warm hug he envelopes her in upon his return almost raises her hopes. But all too quickly they return to thr pattern they had before he left, where he ignores her and she does nothing about it. The relationship or lack there of between the pair is becoming more obvious to the other two. They are messing up the team and she knows it, it plays on her mind. All the events of the past 4 months clogging her brain up, distracting her, enough that she isn't quite paying attention until the chloroform stained cloth is firmly over her mouth and then all thoughts leave her.

She is dazed, the drug still affecting her. Her arms are bound as are her legs. The rope painfully tight. The tape over her mouth pulling on her skin. She whimpers when the thuggish man steps closer and roughly tips her over board into the now cool water. She thinks of her resignation letter that still lay on her desk at home. She wondered who would find it. She wriggles against her bounds, trying to loosen them but knowing they were too tight as she continued sinking further into the inky depths. She thinks of Chin, her family. She struggles again, desperately trying to free herself, fighting the panic that was rising. She knew this was it. No one was looking for her and by the time anyone started searching, it would be far too late. She fought the paniced scream that rose in her throat. She was strong, she wasn't going down without a fight, she was too young to die. Her struggling lessened until she stopped moving, silently drifting downwards, the burning in her throat and lungs an unimaginable pain. She had so many regrets, so many things she never had the chance to experience, so many dreams unfulfilled. Her thoughts drifted to Steve, her one big regret. Regret she had let him go and simply stood by. Regret that she had let him in the first place, that she had naively believed his tempting words. Regret that she had done nothing as he simply ignored her, ignored her existence. Her last thought as she closed her eyes and welcomed the silence, breathing in the salty water through her nose as she gave up her last breath to the awaiting darkness- Would he notice the fact the she was no longer there , or would he remain in his bubble where she currently didn't exist anyway? Would he care?


	4. Chapter 4

_Stell dich vor meine Mitte._

_Leg dich in jede Figur._  
_Werf dich in jeden meiner Schritte._  
_Ich tanz' für dich, wohin du willst._  
_Ich geh' rüber ans Fenster_  
_um zu sehen ob, die Sonne noch scheint._  
_Hab' so oft, bei schwerem Gewitter in deine Hände geweint._

_(Imagine yourself in my position_

_Put yourself in every character_  
_Throw yourself into every step_  
_I'll dance wherever you want for you _  
_I go over to the window_  
_To see whether the sun's still shining _  
_I've cried in your hands during terrible storms so often)_

_._

_._

He was watching her. He couldn't stop it, he felt borderline creepy with the way he constantly stared at her. She was just so close, so painfully close and still firmly out of his reach because of his own stupid decision. He couldn't focus at the office, unable to focus on the cases because he was forever watching her, trying to check she was okay. To scared to actually ask her, knowing he would only be ignored. He even went on reserve training and to see Catherine, but still the only person he thought of was her.

He knew his pain was all self inflicted but it didn't make him any happier. He would change it all in a heart beat if he could, only he was far to scared that he had really pushed her too far and she wouldn't take him back. It was his greatest fear. That she would completely reject him and leave him the way everyone else had. He watched from a distance because it was all he could do. To scared to reach out and touch, yet so desperate for her attention. She had retracted within herself. The easy going, fun loving rookie was long gone. She spent no longer than necessary in the office and avoided being alone with him. She no longer joked with them, no longer watched CHiPs in the break room. He hated what he'd inflicted on himself but he hated what he'd done to her more. She deserved better - and wasn't that part of the reason why he'd ended it in the first place?

* * *

_Wie soll ein Mensch das ertragen?_  
_Dich alle Tage zu sehen,_  
_ohne es einmal zu wagen,_  
_dir in die Augen zu sehen._

_(How can someone bear it?_  
_Seeing you everyday_  
_Without ever daring_  
_To look you in the eye)_

_._

_._

He fled. He knew it was cowardly, but he couldn't keep it up any longer. He loved her, and he had completely messed it up. And the worst part? He thought it was seeing the heart broken look on her face every time he and Lori appeared in the office together. He was wrong. As usual. It was seeing her continuing with her life, getting over him while he was still stuck in his bubble of regret, wanting to take it all back, to have her back in his arms again. So he ran, Wo Fat was supposedly in Japan. A nice 3854 miles from Honolulu. He left a note, he couldn't explain in to any of them face to face, not without giving it away.

He sat in the transport vehicle, surrounded by Interpol as they headed to Wo Fat's suspected location. He had hoped the distance would allow him to finally focus, yet she still haunted his thoughts, constantly at the back of his mind no matter what he did. He sighed as he checked his gun, he had been desperately avoiding it but this "trip" had only proved the point further. When he got back, they needed to talk. He was fed up of wanting her and not being able to have her. He couldn't keep pretending he was over her. That nothing happened between them, when that was the one relationship that meant everything to him.

* * *

_Könnt ich einen einzigen Tag nur_  
_in meinem Leben dir gefallen_  
_um dann ein einziges Mal nur_  
_in deine Arme zu fallen._

_(If I could only make you happy_

_for a single day in my life_

_and then be able to lie_

_just one time in your arms)_

_._

_._

_"You are an idiot Steven." Kono stormed into his house, fuming. He gently pushed the door closed behind himself, before turning back to face her, still a little clueless as to why she was so pissed at him._

_"It's just..." He began, stepping forward in an attempt to placate her._

_"A broken arm, yes we've established that already." She spat at him._

_"It wasn't intentional, the rock gave way and I slipped, I don't get why this is my fault?" He responded, trying to explain himself. She simply fixed him with a steely glare that made him flinch slightly._

_"Kono, baby.."_

_"Don't call me baby." Steve dropped his arms slightly when he noticed the slightest wobble of her chin. Her unusually emotional behaviour had completely thrown him and he was frankly a little scared at what she might do._

_"Kono..." He began as he noticed the angry composure beginning to break as she took in a shaky breath._

_"What's going o.."_

_"I'm going home." She said before he could finish and moved to shove past him but he caught her with his non broken arm._

_"Not until you tell me what is going on. " He pulled her in front of him so he could look her in the eyes but she avoided his gaze as her eyes misted up._

_"Kono?" He pleaded_

_"Aunt Mele" She whispered as the tears bubbled over and Steve finally understood. He gently pulled her to his chest as she wrapped her arms around him, giving her the comfort she needed._

_"I'm so sorry" He whispered into her hair as she hugged him, the tears falling silently down her cheeks and soaking into his t-shirt._

_"I just.. I wish there was something we could do.." She mumbled into his chest as she turned her face to look at him, the look of helplessness in her eyes breaking Steve's heart._

_"I'm sorry" He said again as he brushed away the tears with his calloused thumbs, unable to think of anything else to say to her and pulled her back into his arms, dropping kisses in her hair, mumbling loving words, cradling her as she cried._


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the delay! I have just started a new job, so between that, exams and marathon training I have been dead on my feet the last two weeks :( I will try and update more regularly, thank you to all and any readers/reviewers- mahalo!**

* * *

I remember tears streamin' down your face  
When I said I'd never let you go,  
When all those shadows almost killed your light  
I remember you said 'don't leave me here alone'  
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

.

.

Stepping off the plane from Japan, his head spinning from the discovery of his mother. He had left her, he had deserted them all when they most needed him, but he had left_ her._He had turned his back and now she was in critical condition in hospital. Malia was in surgery fighting for her life. As he hung up his phone from the brief, panicked call from Danny he couldn't help the rising guilt and slight sting of tears in his eyes. He had failed her, just like he had during her investigation with IA and this time, there was nothing in his power he could do to save her. He had promised her, promised to protect her, to protect those she cared for. And he had broken that promise yet again.

.

_"We'll save him Kono, we'll get the money..." Steve tried, gently reaching his arm over to her but she flinched away from him, shifting in her seat to look out the window, putting her back to him._

_"Kono, we will save him, okay, we have a plan and he'll be free before you know it. I promise.."_

_"Don't make me promises you can't keep." She spat, her voice betraying the emotion she was so desperately trying to mask._

_"Kono..." _

_"He has a bomb strapped to his neck Steven, a bomb. And the man with the trigger is a complete psycho, so how I ask you, how is it going to be okay?" She finally turned to face him, looking him in the eye. The fierceness of her voice betrayed by the pleading look for comfort and reassurance in her eyes. She was scared, but she needed it to be okay, she needed him to make it okay._

_"I can't lose him, Steve... I can't..."_

_"You won't lose him Kono, I promise you, we will sort this out, you won't lose him. I promised to protect you didn't I? And protecting you means protecting ohana. We will save him. Trust me." The only recognition he received of her hearing his words was the slight nod of her head as she turned back to watch the world rush past outside of her window, but the grateful and peaceful look on her face later that night, when they were safely in bed, told him that she had heard every single word. _

* * *

Don't you dare look out your window  
Darlin' everything's on fire  
The war outside our door keeps raging on  
Hold onto this lullaby  
Even when the music's gone

.

.

Malia was gone. The bullet she had taken to her chest had ruptured her aorta. They had tried to repair the damage in surgery but it was too late. She died on the table. Alone. Danny sat with a distraught Chin, utterly clueless as to how to deal with situation, unable to face the loss of a member of their ohana. How had they let it happen? Kono was unconscious, there was sea water on her lungs,and she had started showing symptoms of asphyxia. The future was not fantastic. She had nearly gone into cardiac arrest due to oxygen deprivation. Yet a part of Steve was secretly relieved that she wasn't awake. Her and Malia had grown closer, like sisters. Chin was her cousin, the one who always helped her, who was always there, the ever wise and scarily calm. The 5-0 ohana was falling to pieces and Steve couldn't bare to think about how Kono was going to take the news of Malia's passing, so to him, any second longer that he could spare her that pain was a second worth it.

It wasn't till he finally reached the hospital that he learnt the severity of Kono's condition and the entirety of the events that lead to the situation they found themselves in. The lack of oxygen to the brain was more severe than originally believed and there was a high risk of severe pneumonia. The false hope that she may simply wake up and be released in the morning was firmly banished by the less than promising prognosis. This wasn't Kono. She was a fighter, she wouldn't die. Not like this... would she? The panic that had briefly been dispelled form the news that Kono had been pulled form the water, hit him full force and he struggled to fight the fresh wave of emotion as he came to the startling realisation. She may not wake up. And if she does, she may never be the same again. His Kono may be gone and all he could do is watch, as he had done for the past months. Watch as the world continued turning, watch as his chances slipped away. All he could do was watch and wait.

* * *

Just close your eyes  
The sun is going down  
You'll be alright  
No one can hurt you now  
Come morning light  
You and I'll be safe and sound

.

.

Adam Noshimuri. He had saved her. He had stepped in and saved her life while Steve was in Japan completely oblivious to the fact that she was slipping through his fingers. Adam was the reason Kono was now lying in the bed in front of him and not dead. Despite the pain of the events of the past 24 hours, finding his mother, Malia's death, Kono's near drowning, he couldn't help the wave of jealousy that washed over him. The regrets that had constantly plagued him after their break up now taunting him again. His greatest fear had come true. She had found someone else. The tiny flicker of hope that they may one day reconcile was cruelly stamped out. She had moved on. She had replaced him. He should let go, he knew he should. Why hold on to hope for something that will never happen? But he couldn't. She had always been his weakness and no matter how much distance he put between them, no matter how much he fought to change that fact, she would always be that one chink in his armor. He simply couldn't let her go.

He sighed heavily as he sat down in the chair by her bed, watching her peaceful figure. She had lost weight. He mentally kicked himself for the pain he had put her through in the past months. Gently he reached to take her soft hand in his. He caressed her delicate knuckles with his thumb, smiling at the contrast between their skin colour. Adam wasn't here, he was alone to watch her. To finally be the guardian angel he had sworn to be as he waited patiently for her eyes to open, pulling her back to the world of the living, and conscious. But most of all he could pretend. He could pretend that she didn't hate him, that he hasn't screwed up the one good relationship he had left. That she wasn't in love with another man. But he was lying to himself, a habit he seemed to have developed rather recently. So he sat, and waited , and hoped. That she would open to her eyes, because as much as it pained him to think of a life without her by his side, it pained him even more to consider the possibility of a life where she no longer existed at all.


End file.
